Stogie Commentary: There’s More to a Cigar Than You Know
18 Jun 2007
Cigars contain a heretofore unknown element that can have a dramatic effect on smokers, according to a new report released by the Hav-A-Tampa Institute of Leaf Research.
Scientists said the element apparently is a byproduct of the cigar rolling process and does not appear naturally in tobacco. Its impact can be felt when the cigars are resting in the humidor or upon lighting.
“We’ve named this element Gottabuymore,†said chief researcher N. Joy Puros. “It seems to exist in all cigars, but we found the greatest amounts in those frequently featured in special deals.â€
Previously, scientists had believed that cigar smokers who bought more and more cigars without any regard to how many they could actually smoke were just plain nuts. Now, though, there appears to be a legitimate reason for the behavior.
Researchers did not limit themselves to new cigars. They reported that their tests confirmed the existence of considerably higher levels of Gottabuymore in current Cuban cigars than was present in those readily available in the U.S. before the embargo.
The report is the first to detail the findings of what has become an ongoing project. The next step, according to researchers, is to determine whether cigar manufacturers and retailers have already secretly isolated Gottabuymore and employ it.
“We’d like to know, for instance, whether catalogs are being impregnated with this odorless, colorless substance,†Ms. Puros said. “Or do cigar shops inject it into their humidors, disguising it as air emitted from a humidifier?â€
The research is being funded by credit card companies around the world.
“We need to understand how this works,†said spokesman Moe Fees, “so we can take even more advantage of it.â€
Patrick Ashby
Co-Founder & Editor in Chief
Patrick Semmens
Co-Founder & Publisher
George Edmonson
Tampa Bureau Chief
Very funny.
I think I'm addicted to that Gottabuymore stuff!
I wonder if George also submitted this to The Onion…
I need a government program to study this issue. This is taking over my life and it needs to be stopped. I need a congressman with nothing better to do, to pass bills that will fight this disorder.
Now I know what to tell my wife when the next shipment of cigars comes in.
"More cigars! We don't have any more room for cigars!"
"Yeah, I know, that's why I bought some that come with a humidor!"
"Where's the phone number for that lawyer…"
"Wait! It's the Gottabuymore! It's not me!"
Funny stuff. 🙂